vrijdag 18 november 2016
Starting off a blog-site, it of course suits a proper and reasonable man to introduce himself. I comply willingly, and in doing so will I explain 'who I am' as explained by my name. That surely sounds farfetched and far-out doesn't it? Let's have a look.
"Lysander" is a name originating from the ancient Greek-Spartan civilization. It constitutes of two parts:
1) "-Lysis" is a 'combining form' with the meaning “breaking down, loosening, decomposition” used in the formation of compound words like 'analysis', 'electrolysis', 'paralysis'. It is a conjugation from the verb 'lyein' which means 'to separate'.
2) "Aner" means "man". The part 'ander' of 'Lysander' comes from 'andros' (the genitive of 'aner'), meaning "of a man".
Taken together "Lysander" literally means: "a broken man", "a decomposing man", "a separated / split up / divided man" - yet it can also mean "a loosened man", "the release of a man", "a liberated man" and "liberator".
Historically the name 'Lysander' comes from a Spartan admiral and general who fought many battles and who started and ended wars. He was instrumental in the starting of the Corinthian war (395 BC) and fought in the Peloponnesian war, which he ended by forcing the Athenians to capitulate (406 BC). After the capitulation of Athens, Lysander marched into the city and did not hesitate to install a puppet government known as 'the oligarchy of the thirty tyrants'. Lysander gained a reputation for a fiery personality, daring strategies, and a ruthless treatment of prisoners and subject cities.
Lysander is one of the main characters of Shakespeare's 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' (depicted in the picture at the top of this blog). He is a lot like Romeo - of Romeo and Juliet. Although Lysander faces some major obstacles in his pursuit of love, he is a hopeless romantic. He also happens to be the most poetical of all the lovers:
Ay me! for aught that I could ever read,
Could ever hear by tale or history,
The course of true love never did run smooth
Taken together, this background story of my name "Lysander" is highly illustrative as it summarizes neatly how I pursued things in life and how I saw (and lived) myself. It was as if I was somehow 'programmed' or 'destined' to live this exact 'historical' / 'etymological' characterization. Now, let's get into the details.
Continue reading the next blog: Lysander II: "The broken / Decomposing / Divided Man"
donderdag 17 november 2016
The first part of the explanation of my name: Lysander as "a broken man", "a decomposing man", "a separated / split up / divided man" is very telling. Despite of the 'passionate' elements that my name and personalities entails/-ed, I have seen and embodied the worst of myself - leading up to a lot of drama, confusion and an inner divide that haunted me for many years.
To clear up beforehand: not all was downright bad and evil. I mean, in terms of worldly riches I have had a quite plentiful youth in terms of financial security and friends - and I have had good times living my life. I have seen a bit of the world and had some interesting, wild, extraordinary and unique experiences I wouldn't want to have missed. The frictional point was how I lived my life internally. And within myself I have, as said, walked a road in life where I have seen much of the worst of myself. Much of it was playing out on a subconscious and unconscious level - experiencing it all in a 'deeper' way where I experienced an 'essential' / 'existential' conflict with myself and my reality. Although this was a subconscious / unconscious matter and hard to put into words - it was nevertheless very tangible and real in its consequential outflows on different levels of my mind: in my thoughts, emotions, feelings and behavior - which flowed out into, and orchestrated, consequences on a physical level.
The translation of Lysander as the 'separated / divided man' fitted me perfectly. I have been in constant inner conflict for many years. I did not know what to choose, how to live and what to do; living and embodying polarities and contradictions. And of those there were many. I lived a life where I did not and ultimately could not choose. I was simply too split-up to be able to make a real decision in terms of where I stood, 'who I was' and what I was going for in this life. It was nerve-wracking and keeping me locked in a sense of feeling tied down, caught and deeply and existentially trapped. Often I did not even know what the hell was going on exactly, but I knew something was very off and that I could not break free form some spell of indecisiveness, and I felt that I was never in the place where I actually and really belonged.
The repeatedly switching between 'Light' and 'Dark' spiritualities and religion was one of them, which in itself encompassed a lot energies and signposts of deeper (conflicting) mind-designs as I was involved in an endless soul-searching where I was ironically looking for something outside to find something within - to heal my inner divide on a 'cosmic' level (in which I never succeeded). The great divide between 'Freedom' and 'Enslavement' was another, where I was torn up between living a 'free' life where I could just not give a fuck about the world (and myself!) and roam the planes of forgetfulness with travels and girls and a can of booze here and there - and where a 'standard' career path and 'building a life' was seen as a dead life, a socially sanctified zombie-life where monotony and endless repetition heralded the end of who I was basically - as that would be living in 'The Enslavement of Structure'. Yet, on the other hand, I also deeply felt I HAD TO 'create a life' according to a specific picture in my head as 'The Coach / Psychologist' - embodying all that my history, 'society' and parents taught me that was eligible and 'right'. It was essentially a conflict of commitment versus non-commitment, of 'Freedom' versus 'Enslavement'. This highly polarized and artificial dichotomy was like a red thread permeating my life, messing me up a great deal and making me live in guilt, haste, doubt, conflict and never making a real choice.
This are just two examples of (polarities of) the inner conflict I experienced. Yet, these two alone impacted, confused and broke me to a great deal. But I didn't dare to look back, and fled from the hurt and confusion right into the enslaving structure I so deeply feared - into workaholism and stress while carrying the sour undertone of unfulfillment; always on projects or at work, never resting, always busy. Yet, at the same time intensely desiring the freedom that would set me free. So I made up for it through the 'freedom' of sitting in bars and chasing women and, in the end, traveling - where I nevertheless carried my inner divide with me. I was still broken on the inside, wherever I was. I could not flee from it, as no-one can flee from him/herself. And as time progressed I went deeper and deeper into it - decomposing and separating and dividing myself more and more. Obviously, this sucked.
Continue reading the next blog: Lysander III: "The General"
My mother got inspired by a friend to name me Lysander. She first thought of naming me Alexander, which was interestingly enough another historical figure known for military conquest and war. But Lysander sealed the deal. She thought it was a Spartan hero - which he was. A quite particular, fiery and harsh one though.
In my early twenties I discovered martial arts and the 'dark side' of spirituality, both of which I practiced to the fullest degree. Me embracing this to such an extent was basically a covert outflow of my desire of being a 'strong' man. This desire was especially strong based on what I had lived, and felt myself as, before - which was being an anxious, insecure, depressed and disempowered stoner. I had to make up that and thus I decided to walk the 'hard path' of 'the warrior/fighter' where I was going to be victorious and the best, and only the best. And with that I decided that that 'the end justified the means' - by all means. With this I directly tapped into my reservoir of sub-/unconscious repressed anger to make this happen, deciding to claim victories - every bloody fucking day.
Within living this I became extremely harsh with myself and felt the need to be highly critical, self-judgmental and repressive with myself in order to push myself to claim the 'victories'. This was with literally everything that I did, even in the smallest of actions. My life became a battlefield where I fought with anything that passed my way, as everything became a quest for perfection. Nothing less was considered valid or good enough, even more so: it was a direct failure. On top of it all I also fervently embodied the antithesis of the 'sins' I set up for myself (inspired on Satanic liturgy), of which 'stupidity' and 'weakness' were two of the claiming chieftains. Hence the quest for strength and wisdom commenced. I embraced the fight, and would become relentless with myself to become 'invincible' in all that I did - I was to become a Nietzschean "Übermensch".
Walking this path I started to embrace and relish control, fire, anger, fury, destruction, black metal, fighting, relentlessness, abuse, deceit and the demonic - to a point where I even admired the fascistic. This was all playing in the loops of an extensive energetic addiction I built up over the years - and I felt that the stuff I lived was making me 'great' and 'superior' - aligned with great conquests, victories and wars.
Through self-adorned warpaint I related to myself and the world. I became a Spartan general towards myself where I tolerated no excuses, no weakness and no stupidity. I had to move, and I had to move fast and perfectly. There was always another battle to be fought.
Many of my close ones have noticed things - of me spiraling in a certain direction different from who I was before - but they they couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly (apart from me being very structured and 'tight'). This was because I was mostly practiced my beliefs and inner workings covertly; it was mostly a war I fought with myself - an inner war in my own head. And through this inner war an inner division was building up within me where the polarity of superiority/inferiority dictated that I had to suppress and dominate my 'weaknesses' with 'strength'. Basically this meant that my fears were banned to the realms of subconscious prison cells and my 'mistakes' to the realm of the cursed and damned. I repressed myself in my vulnerability, gentleness, simple joy, playfulness and spontaneity while trading the here for the future - living in a place somewhere over the top of a huge mountain which I was supposed to climb. Dripping with sweat and the dirt and blood painting my fingernails I clawed myself upwards, to a superior Valhalla as represented by some image I had created of myself in the name of 'success'. A huge task to perform. It made me tight, super-structured, occupied, worried, restless and busy of course.
And obviously, this suppression of myself through my 'Spartanism' created a big divide within me, as I marched over all my fears and deeper desires in the name of militant glory - not looking at what was really going on beneath the surface. For there was something deep within me - something silenced yet heard. And it was shivering and crying. This 'entity' was the 'little boy' within me that I refused to give a voice and who I blatantly ignored. It just had to shut the fuck up and deal with it. It was the little boy that enjoyed life, but lived in fear and chains. At a certain point it was so repressed that I didn't seem to know who I was as that little boy. I forgot who I was underneath all those ideas and images and drives and pursuits. And thus I became a 'grown up' through dominating and silencing the innocence and youth within me. It was the superior/inferior polarity at work, creating the inner divide where one part of me shouted and marched, and the other shivered and hid.
Meanwhile I was getting stuck and frustrated. But I didn't ask the right questions as to why I got stuck and why I didn't actually push through with projects, or even really wondered why I woke up many times in the middle of the night filled with fear, sadness, melancholy and deep hurt. I simply chose to 'deal with it' through working harder and becoming even more ruthless and repressed with myself. I just didn't see and realize that it was my own militarism and inner repression that tried, but could not, kill what was there in the dark and the deep - which was my inner divide, sabotaging anything real coming to fruition because I could not stand as a unity with myself and what I was doing. You cannot have two captains on a ship and sail truly effectively - especially when they are at war with each other where the one is shouting orders and the other is hidden away yet still in reality controlling half of the ship's directions. This inner split created an un-directiveness, resulting in sailing in circles and never reaching the destination. Yet, in the meantime, I was always and still frantically on the search for that promised land that just had to be somewhere at the horizon... Compounding more frustration, which effected to more shouting and silencing - resulting in more spinning and 'sailed circles'. Man, you are getting really fucking lost.
Obviously, this made me feel 'broken' and utterly stressed - for time was ticking and there was seemingly nothing I could do about it to make things really better or effective. At a certain point I could not bear it any longer. I needed a helluva way out.
Continue reading the next blog: Lysander IV: "The Hopeless Romantic"
So, now the part you all have been waiting for. ;) Ok, let's go. To be frank and straight about it: I have been a hopeless romantic. This design was so strong in me that I deeply and subconsciously thought that women and romance were 'the answer to all my problems'. And yes, I have been very poetic about it all. It has run deeply in my veins, especially when I needed it the most - which was in my times of insecurity and of feeling stuck, deeply frustrated and lost. Love and romance played on many levels and dimensions within me, but one thing is for sure: and that is that everything outside of that 'love' became completely unimportant. For what purpose is greater than that of love - that which is regarded as sacred and divine, the meaning of life? In other words: it is the perfect escape.
Yes, for a man with a passionate inclination and the deep running rivers of emotions having the feelings of being stuck, divided, broken, hopeless, purposeless, frustrated, rushed, diminished and insignificant is a heavy burden to bear. But - thank the Lord! -, there is this one thing that heals it all! And that is replacing the old with the new; exchanging the pain with the passion! And you know what the best part is? Being a hero about it! Of course! Not unlike the Medieval tales of knight-like princes and damsels in distress. It showed me the way of the Way - it was surely a sacred quest and I suddenly had a purpose more than myself. And I could channel all my energies and emotions into something something! And you know what actually mattered most of all, what the best part really was? That I could forget about my torn-up life that mangled me on the inside. That I could get an option out - and venture into the unknown. And yeah, I got the chance to flip the polarities where I first felt completely insignificant and stuck to feeling most significant and utterly purposeful. Sounds like a solution right?
So then, this I did. With full conviction and two times taking to the extreme. Completely effacing myself to live in the mark of a woman I blindly followed the primal cries that the female divine awakened in me. Facts: I cut my Asia trip short to pursue a woman in Spain who I met in India (on that same trip), and on my other trip, three and a half years later, I changed my plans from traveling and living in Spain and South America to venturing to an American woman living in a hut in Zambia, Africa. Both romances were working out quite badly when reality finally knocked on the door, and one of them was even disastrous in its emotional play-out.
To give you another example of the extent of my 'Love/Hero' design: I was seriously planning to go from Amsterdam to Madrid by foot, that is walking 1681 kilometers, from door to door, in order to prove my love for the woman living in Madrid, Spain. It didn't follow through as she was going to move back to Argentina and I wouldn't make it in time. And swimming all the way to there might have been a bit much - even for a hopeless romantic like me. Yet, she dominated my mind for the coming three and a half years - with me thinking that I would somehow win her in the end. Until...
My second encounter with the passionate maximate irrationate. This was when I randomly walked into a bar one night and found myself falling into an instant crush with an American girl. She turned out to live in Zambia as a Peace Corps volunteer, which directly activated my romance/hero/love design. And on top of it all: she had a lovely voice and was part-timing in poetry! All systems active... and go! We spent one night together, she had to get back to Zambia the next day, we kept in touch, and then hopelessly 'fell in love' with each other. Serenades on marrying barefoot on a beach, having the most beautiful babies on earth, and carving out a difficult yet extremely rewarding and adventurous life for ourselves... Just the two of us. Man, I just had to change my trip plans - for this woman was 'The One'. This was as set in stone as it was in diamond wedding rings. Onward to Zambia.
It turned out to be a complete disaster. Already after three days it was so unbearable that I had to leave, trading the coziness of her wilderness hut for the rest of wild and dark Africa. A lot happened afterwards, which I will omit for now, but it all summarized into me being an emotional wreck. I was financially broke, alone, completely heartbroken and lost again - this time somewhere in Africa. And when I say 'emotional wreck' I do not say that frivolously: I never felt so horrendously bad in my whole life. It was like I was drawn to a flashy casino called "Eternal Love", putting all my money on 'red', and then it turns out to be (pitch) 'black' - losing all and everything I had. This added up to my inner divide and brokenness and I felt more worthless and confused than ever. This love-drama has haunted me up until a year after - carving a scar in my heart. I really had to work hard to work myself through this. This was the most dramatic romantic play-out I have ever faced in my whole life, and I intend to keep it that way.
As you can see, I have been quite the hopeless romantic. And I am working myself through the design - for this has been very consequential and I definitely do not want this again (note: patterns tend to repeat themselves). Yet some people see the beauty in it, and say things like: "Ooohh, that is just so awesome! I wish I would have a life like that." Well, let me tell you one thing: you'd better not go there. If you play it out like I did it turns out to be the living and intensifying of self-deceit, making up for something you lack inside - like Self-intimacy. It's better to investigate and liberate yourself in this regard - become whole as yourself in the first place. Then start loving for real.
Don't get me wrong: passion, love and romance isn't a bad thing - it is all about the starting point. And yes, I have this passionate streak, and I love intimacy and being with another but losing oneself in romances based on an inner lack and inner conflict is not the answer to our problems. Real love can only be lived and experienced when you love yourself first.
Note: 'the general' and 'the (hopeless) romantic' were represented within me as quasi-opposite polarities of each other, yet they were also intertwined and mutually interdependent. One needed the other to exist, while yet the one (the 'romantic') was also actually an escape from the other (the 'general'). It is all a bit of a complex system and will leave it for here and will expand on this dynamic in a different blog.
Continue reading the next blog: Lysander V: The Journey of Becoming "The Loosened / Released / Liberated Man & Liberator"
Looking back at all I have been, and all that I have lived within myself - and thus as my life - I cannot say other that I am quite astonished, and even a bit shocked. I simply did not realize how deep all my repressions, inner conflicts and self-deceit were at the time, which was actually not too long ago. I was so extremely tied up and lost and hurt deep on the inside. So angry and depressed and fearful. Yes I felt it, but I 'solved it' by repressing it all - trying not to see it and just bulldoze over it with work and distraction, with 'fighting' and 'freedom' - and with the occasional delirium of romance.
Interesting to note is that I meditated a lot as well. This kept myself a bit harmonized but never actually released me of the problems I was facing within myself. Meditating turned out to be like a band-aid that soothed but never really resolved - the problems were still there. And to be really honest: I think that if I would have continued the way I was - not having seen and understood who I was and what I was creating through my subconscious conflict and inner war - that it would just have intensified further, with me becoming more and more stuck and frustrated over the years. Perhaps even to such an extent that it would have driven me to the point of suicide, as my frustrations, conflict and sense of defeat would just compound until it would have become unbearable. Please know that I haven't been particular suicidal - yet I have thought many times that I wouldn't mind dying, just to get it over with. Perhaps getting shot in the street would be a good one. Quick and easy, and that would be the end of it then.
After arriving in South Africa I had incidental meetings with a couple of those 'farm people'. There was a good click between us and I was invited to stay on the farm. As it turned out, it appeared to be a place where the people are working on personal development in its most direct and 'self-honest' form. And after the doors have opened, I 'haven't looked back' (as they say). It has been in intensive and at times self-confrontational ride in which I have learned so extremely much. And I have changed - changed big time. I have so much more self-understanding and I have grown so much that I almost don't recognize myself anymore from a year and four months ago. It's almost like looking at a different person.
So the last year I have worked on myself extensively, and - as said - I have changed; am still in the process of change. The broken is being mended, the divide is closing and the conflict is coming to peace. As I am seeing and understanding what really is going on within me I cannot do other than change - for who doesn't want to end madness and pain? Once you fully see and understand what you have lived - all the fears, justifications, anger, hurt, doubt, confusion and what not - realizing that this will go on and on until the end of your days, how can you not change? When the answers are right here - who would not take and embrace them?
In the light of the resolving my inner conflict, divide and warmongering: I am exploring gentleness with myself, have resolved my anger issues to a big extent, am dropping my defenses and opening up in my vulnerability, letting go of the past with women, letting go of my pumped-up self-image somewhere in a distant future, am embracing and expressing myself, realizing my self-worth, and work myself through my inner splits and conflicts - every day. I am working towards my self-realization and utmost potential.
Walking this process has made me lighter, happier, clearer, more playful, loosened up, purposeful, surer of myself, more expressive, calmer, and more stable and grounded - and I am laughing a lot more. I am walking to the brighter side of life, out of the metaphorical 'darkness', and into freedom.
I have sought the 'solution' to my problems for more than a decade - always seeking and exploring but never really finding it. Psychology, spirituality, mysticism, mediation, magic and what not did not give me the answer. What I am walking now is simple, direct, practical, here and clear. I learned the tools to investigate myself, to forgive myself and let go, and to apply myself through self-correction in practical reality. In its methodology as simple as ABC. Yet 'simple' does not always equal 'easy'. I have faced resistance from my old patterns 'wanting to take over and justify themselves' and I had to stand within myself in absolute clarity. Also, hiding is obviously easier than facing the ugly truth - and it can be confrontational seeing yourself in the light of what you have become deeply within. I have had times where I saw myself and cried deeply, shouted furiously with anger and laughed my head off all at the same time. And lastly, walking into the unknown and the unexplored as the 'new' that you want to become takes some courage and a leap of faith within yourself - you have to dare and trust yourself to change, allowing yourself to let go of what you have known as yourself most of your life, which is the old you. Yes, it takes courage and persistence - but man, it pays off.
I am walking into my own Self-liberation through walking 'Process'. And within this I am becoming the second meaning of my name. I am in the process of becoming Lysander as "the liberated man". And it is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Lysander as "the liberator"
Finding my purpose, it becomes clearer and clearer that I am on this earth and in this life to help others do the same as what I am doing: walking into the freedom of self-creation and self-liberation. This is an amazing gift and an honor, and I am eternally grateful for having the opportunity to do this. Yes, I am still walking old programming and patterns within me that limit me to a certain extent - but I have cleared the path to a substantial degree and I am closing into my self-realization within and as my purpose. And I am walking it day by day, every day. I am walking the process of self-liberation, and I am on the road of assisting others to do exactly the same.
In this blog I have illustrated myself by my name. As farfetched as it might seem, it has been very accurate. I have been broken, separated, divided and decomposing. I have been "the ruthless general" with myself, fueling the brokenness and divide inside. I have been "the hopeless Shakespearian romantic", leading me into a deep lack within while providing a feint of an 'escape' from myself which only made things worse. And I am now on the path of liberating myself - in order to ultimately liberate others. To live my purpose as a point of support and growth in this world. To help myself and others to Self-understanding in order to make the best of themselves - and through this those around them. To create a better world in the end. And that is something we very much need in this moment, considering the state of humanity and ourselves.There is a real solution and way out of suffering, hurt, confusion, self-sabotage and self-limitation - and it is called "Process". A process which is simple, practical and here - basically it entails seeing for yourself who you really are, creating a solution to your problems, releasing the old patterns, and then living the 'new you' in self-creation. I can recommend it to everyone and stand by it 100%. It is simply the best I have encountered in 12 years of seeking and searching for answers and solutions. So I know what I am talking about man. Start doing DIP-Lite. ;)
I thank you for your attention. See you in the next blog! :)