Looking back at all I have been, and all that I have lived within myself - and thus as my life - I cannot say other that I am quite astonished, and even a bit shocked. I simply did not realize how deep all my repressions, inner conflicts and self-deceit were at the time, which was actually not too long ago. I was so extremely tied up and lost and hurt deep on the inside. So angry and depressed and fearful. Yes I felt it, but I 'solved it' by repressing it all - trying not to see it and just bulldoze over it with work and distraction, with 'fighting' and 'freedom' - and with the occasional delirium of romance.
Interesting to note is that I meditated a lot as well. This kept myself a bit harmonized but never actually released me of the problems I was facing within myself. Meditating turned out to be like a band-aid that soothed but never really resolved - the problems were still there. And to be really honest: I think that if I would have continued the way I was - not having seen and understood who I was and what I was creating through my subconscious conflict and inner war - that it would just have intensified further, with me becoming more and more stuck and frustrated over the years. Perhaps even to such an extent that it would have driven me to the point of suicide, as my frustrations, conflict and sense of defeat would just compound until it would have become unbearable. Please know that I haven't been particular suicidal - yet I have thought many times that I wouldn't mind dying, just to get it over with. Perhaps getting shot in the street would be a good one. Quick and easy, and that would be the end of it then.
So
what has happened last year? Heartbroken I was traveling Africa when I
'accidentally' stumbled upon a dude in Malawi, who turned out to know
some people on a farm in South Africa. He said I should get in touch
with them and go there. Then he also arranged a Skype session where I
had a 15 minute chat with one of those 'farm people'. After this we
traveled a bit more together until he left for Botswana where he worked
in a game reserve. Alone again, I found myself feeling more shit than
ever. Two pondering days later about what to do now I decided to just
take a wild chance and buy a bus ticket to South Africa, as I had
nothing to lose and was already about as lost as I could get anyway.After arriving in South Africa I had incidental meetings with a couple of those 'farm people'. There was a good click between us and I was invited to stay on the farm. As it turned out, it appeared to be a place where the people are working on personal development in its most direct and 'self-honest' form. And after the doors have opened, I 'haven't looked back' (as they say). It has been in intensive and at times self-confrontational ride in which I have learned so extremely much. And I have changed - changed big time. I have so much more self-understanding and I have grown so much that I almost don't recognize myself anymore from a year and four months ago. It's almost like looking at a different person.
So the last year I have worked on myself extensively, and - as said - I have changed; am still in the process of change. The broken is being mended, the divide is closing and the conflict is coming to peace. As I am seeing and understanding what really is going on within me I cannot do other than change - for who doesn't want to end madness and pain? Once you fully see and understand what you have lived - all the fears, justifications, anger, hurt, doubt, confusion and what not - realizing that this will go on and on until the end of your days, how can you not change? When the answers are right here - who would not take and embrace them?
In the light of the resolving my inner conflict, divide and warmongering: I am exploring gentleness with myself, have resolved my anger issues to a big extent, am dropping my defenses and opening up in my vulnerability, letting go of the past with women, letting go of my pumped-up self-image somewhere in a distant future, am embracing and expressing myself, realizing my self-worth, and work myself through my inner splits and conflicts - every day. I am working towards my self-realization and utmost potential.
Walking this process has made me lighter, happier, clearer, more playful, loosened up, purposeful, surer of myself, more expressive, calmer, and more stable and grounded - and I am laughing a lot more. I am walking to the brighter side of life, out of the metaphorical 'darkness', and into freedom.
I have sought the 'solution' to my problems for more than a decade - always seeking and exploring but never really finding it. Psychology, spirituality, mysticism, mediation, magic and what not did not give me the answer. What I am walking now is simple, direct, practical, here and clear. I learned the tools to investigate myself, to forgive myself and let go, and to apply myself through self-correction in practical reality. In its methodology as simple as ABC. Yet 'simple' does not always equal 'easy'. I have faced resistance from my old patterns 'wanting to take over and justify themselves' and I had to stand within myself in absolute clarity. Also, hiding is obviously easier than facing the ugly truth - and it can be confrontational seeing yourself in the light of what you have become deeply within. I have had times where I saw myself and cried deeply, shouted furiously with anger and laughed my head off all at the same time. And lastly, walking into the unknown and the unexplored as the 'new' that you want to become takes some courage and a leap of faith within yourself - you have to dare and trust yourself to change, allowing yourself to let go of what you have known as yourself most of your life, which is the old you. Yes, it takes courage and persistence - but man, it pays off.
I am walking into my own Self-liberation through walking 'Process'. And within this I am becoming the second meaning of my name. I am in the process of becoming Lysander as "the liberated man". And it is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Lysander as "the liberator"
Finding my purpose, it becomes clearer and clearer that I am on this earth and in this life to help others do the same as what I am doing: walking into the freedom of self-creation and self-liberation. This is an amazing gift and an honor, and I am eternally grateful for having the opportunity to do this. Yes, I am still walking old programming and patterns within me that limit me to a certain extent - but I have cleared the path to a substantial degree and I am closing into my self-realization within and as my purpose. And I am walking it day by day, every day. I am walking the process of self-liberation, and I am on the road of assisting others to do exactly the same.
Review
In this blog I have illustrated myself by my name. As farfetched as it might seem, it has been very accurate. I have been broken, separated, divided and decomposing. I have been "the ruthless general" with myself, fueling the brokenness and divide inside. I have been "the hopeless Shakespearian romantic", leading me into a deep lack within while providing a feint of an 'escape' from myself which only made things worse. And I am now on the path of liberating myself - in order to ultimately liberate others. To live my purpose as a point of support and growth in this world. To help myself and others to Self-understanding in order to make the best of themselves - and through this those around them. To create a better world in the end. And that is something we very much need in this moment, considering the state of humanity and ourselves.There is a real solution and way out of suffering, hurt, confusion, self-sabotage and self-limitation - and it is called "Process". A process which is simple, practical and here - basically it entails seeing for yourself who you really are, creating a solution to your problems, releasing the old patterns, and then living the 'new you' in self-creation. I can recommend it to everyone and stand by it 100%. It is simply the best I have encountered in 12 years of seeking and searching for answers and solutions. So I know what I am talking about man. Start doing DIP-Lite. ;)
I thank you for your attention. See you in the next blog! :)
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