So, now the part you all have been waiting for. ;) Ok, let's go. To be frank and straight about it: I have been a hopeless romantic. This design was so strong in me that I deeply and subconsciously thought that women and romance were 'the answer to all my problems'. And yes, I have been very poetic about it all. It has run deeply in my veins, especially when I needed it the most - which was in my times of insecurity and of feeling stuck, deeply frustrated and lost. Love and romance played on many levels and dimensions within me, but one thing is for sure: and that is that everything outside of that 'love' became completely unimportant. For what purpose is greater than that of love - that which is regarded as sacred and divine, the meaning of life? In other words: it is the perfect escape.
Yes, for a man with a passionate inclination and the deep running rivers of emotions having the feelings of being stuck, divided, broken, hopeless, purposeless, frustrated, rushed, diminished and insignificant is a heavy burden to bear. But - thank the Lord! -, there is this one thing that heals it all! And that is replacing the old with the new; exchanging the pain with the passion! And you know what the best part is? Being a hero about it! Of course! Not unlike the Medieval tales of knight-like princes and damsels in distress. It showed me the way of the Way - it was surely a sacred quest and I suddenly had a purpose more than myself. And I could channel all my energies and emotions into something something! And you know what actually mattered most of all, what the best part really was? That I could forget about my torn-up life that mangled me on the inside. That I could get an option out - and venture into the unknown. And yeah, I got the chance to flip the polarities where I first felt completely insignificant and stuck to feeling most significant and utterly purposeful. Sounds like a solution right?
So then, this I did. With full conviction and two times taking to the extreme. Completely effacing myself to live in the mark of a woman I blindly followed the primal cries that the female divine awakened in me. Facts: I cut my Asia trip short to pursue a woman in Spain who I met in India (on that same trip), and on my other trip, three and a half years later, I changed my plans from traveling and living in Spain and South America to venturing to an American woman living in a hut in Zambia, Africa. Both romances were working out quite badly when reality finally knocked on the door, and one of them was even disastrous in its emotional play-out.
To give you another example of the extent of my 'Love/Hero' design: I was seriously planning to go from Amsterdam to Madrid by foot, that is walking 1681 kilometers, from door to door, in order to prove my love for the woman living in Madrid, Spain. It didn't follow through as she was going to move back to Argentina and I wouldn't make it in time. And swimming all the way to there might have been a bit much - even for a hopeless romantic like me. Yet, she dominated my mind for the coming three and a half years - with me thinking that I would somehow win her in the end. Until...
My second encounter with the passionate maximate irrationate. This was when I randomly walked into a bar one night and found myself falling into an instant crush with an American girl. She turned out to live in Zambia as a Peace Corps volunteer, which directly activated my romance/hero/love design. And on top of it all: she had a lovely voice and was part-timing in poetry! All systems active... and go! We spent one night together, she had to get back to Zambia the next day, we kept in touch, and then hopelessly 'fell in love' with each other. Serenades on marrying barefoot on a beach, having the most beautiful babies on earth, and carving out a difficult yet extremely rewarding and adventurous life for ourselves... Just the two of us. Man, I just had to change my trip plans - for this woman was 'The One'. This was as set in stone as it was in diamond wedding rings. Onward to Zambia.
It turned out to be a complete disaster. Already after three days it was so unbearable that I had to leave, trading the coziness of her wilderness hut for the rest of wild and dark Africa. A lot happened afterwards, which I will omit for now, but it all summarized into me being an emotional wreck. I was financially broke, alone, completely heartbroken and lost again - this time somewhere in Africa. And when I say 'emotional wreck' I do not say that frivolously: I never felt so horrendously bad in my whole life. It was like I was drawn to a flashy casino called "Eternal Love", putting all my money on 'red', and then it turns out to be (pitch) 'black' - losing all and everything I had. This added up to my inner divide and brokenness and I felt more worthless and confused than ever. This love-drama has haunted me up until a year after - carving a scar in my heart. I really had to work hard to work myself through this. This was the most dramatic romantic play-out I have ever faced in my whole life, and I intend to keep it that way.
As you can see, I have been quite the hopeless romantic. And I am working myself through the design - for this has been very consequential and I definitely do not want this again (note: patterns tend to repeat themselves). Yet some people see the beauty in it, and say things like: "Ooohh, that is just so awesome! I wish I would have a life like that." Well, let me tell you one thing: you'd better not go there. If you play it out like I did it turns out to be the living and intensifying of self-deceit, making up for something you lack inside - like Self-intimacy. It's better to investigate and liberate yourself in this regard - become whole as yourself in the first place. Then start loving for real.
Don't get me wrong: passion, love and romance isn't a bad thing - it is all about the starting point. And yes, I have this passionate streak, and I love intimacy and being with another but losing oneself in romances based on an inner lack and inner conflict is not the answer to our problems. Real love can only be lived and experienced when you love yourself first.
Note: 'the general' and 'the (hopeless) romantic' were represented within me as quasi-opposite polarities of each other, yet they were also intertwined and mutually interdependent. One needed the other to exist, while yet the one (the 'romantic') was also actually an escape from the other (the 'general'). It is all a bit of a complex system and will leave it for here and will expand on this dynamic in a different blog.
Continue reading the next blog: Lysander V: The Journey of Becoming "The Loosened / Released / Liberated Man & Liberator"
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