donderdag 17 november 2016

Lysander II: "The Broken / Decomposing / Divided Man"

The first part of the explanation of my name: Lysander as "a broken man", "a decomposing man", "a separated / split up / divided man" is very telling. Despite of the 'passionate' elements that my name and personalities entails/-ed, I have seen and embodied the worst of myself - leading up to a lot of drama, confusion and an inner divide that haunted me for many years.

To clear up beforehand: not all was downright bad and evil. I mean, in terms of worldly riches I have had a quite plentiful youth in terms of financial security and friends - and I have had good times living my life. I have seen a bit of the world and had some interesting, wild, extraordinary and unique experiences I wouldn't want to have missed. The frictional point was how I lived my life internally. And within myself I have, as said, walked a road in life where I have seen much of the worst of myself. Much of it was playing out on a subconscious and unconscious level - experiencing it all in a 'deeper' way where I experienced an 'essential' / 'existential' conflict with myself and my reality. Although this was a subconscious / unconscious matter and hard to put into words - it was nevertheless very tangible and real in its consequential outflows on different levels of my mind: in my thoughts, emotions, feelings and behavior - which flowed out into, and orchestrated, consequences on a physical level.

The translation of Lysander as the 'separated / divided man' fitted me perfectly. I have been in constant inner conflict for many years. I did not know what to choose, how to live and what to do; living and embodying polarities and contradictions. And of those there were many. I lived a life where I did not and ultimately could not choose. I was simply too split-up to be able to make a real decision in terms of where I stood, 'who I was' and what I was going for in this life. It was nerve-wracking and keeping me locked in a sense of feeling tied down, caught and deeply and existentially trapped. Often I did not even know what the hell was going on exactly, but I knew something was very off and that I could not break free form some spell of indecisiveness, and I felt that I was never in the place where I actually and really belonged.

The repeatedly switching between 'Light' and 'Dark' spiritualities and religion was one of them, which in itself encompassed a lot energies and signposts of deeper (conflicting) mind-designs as I was involved in an endless soul-searching where I was ironically looking for something outside to find something within - to heal my inner divide on a 'cosmic' level (in which I never succeeded). The great divide between 'Freedom' and 'Enslavement' was another, where I was torn up between living a 'free' life where I could just not give a fuck about the world (and myself!) and roam the planes of forgetfulness with travels and girls and a can of booze here and there - and where a 'standard' career path and 'building a life' was seen as a dead life, a socially sanctified zombie-life where monotony and endless repetition heralded the end of who I was basically - as that would be living in 'The Enslavement of Structure'. Yet, on the other hand, I also deeply felt I HAD TO 'create a life' according to a specific picture in my head as 'The Coach / Psychologist' - embodying all that my history, 'society' and parents taught me that was eligible and 'right'. It was essentially a conflict of commitment versus non-commitment, of 'Freedom' versus 'Enslavement'. This highly polarized and artificial dichotomy was like a red thread permeating my life, messing me up a great deal and making me live in guilt, haste, doubt, conflict and never making a real choice.

This are just two examples of (polarities of) the inner conflict I experienced. Yet, these two alone impacted, confused and broke me to a great deal. But I didn't dare to look back, and fled from the hurt and confusion right into the enslaving structure I so deeply feared - into workaholism and stress while carrying the sour undertone of unfulfillment; always on projects or at work, never resting, always busy. Yet, at the same time intensely desiring the freedom that would set me free. So I made up for it through the 'freedom' of sitting in bars and chasing women and, in the end, traveling - where I nevertheless carried my inner divide with me. I was still broken on the inside, wherever I was. I could not flee from it, as no-one can flee from him/herself. And as time progressed I went deeper and deeper into it - decomposing and separating and dividing myself more and more. Obviously, this sucked.

Continue reading the next blog: Lysander III: "The General"

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